Model Behavior

Going along with my obsession with all things celebrity, comes the media driven world of what my body should look like…this has lead to emulating “model behavior.” Ive been through all of the phases that it takes to look, and feel like a model. Wait hold the “look” Im about 4 inches too short and not nearly pretty enough, but I tried to walk to the walk (off the catwalk). The below five rules are what i lived by for a great deal of my 20’s.

  1. starve – you must starve there is no other way
  2. excessively exercise – everyday multiple times
  3. smoke – cigarettes seem to come with this territory
  4. coffee / diet coke (what thats not a meal you say?)
  5. when you show up anywhere always say “oh i just ate thanks though”

Now I’m 32…and to be perfectly honest still struggle HARD with what my body needs to look like. The media has murdered my self esteem, and brainwashed me into what is beautiful. Just this morning i weighed in, giving myself a month goal of how much weight i need to lose, and no its not a healthy 2 pounds a week.

I no longer smoke, drink diet coke, or say “i just ate” when i show up places. I don’t have the same eating disorder that i struggled with in my 20’s, however, same as the majority of women, i have an unhealthy relationship with food, and with body image. While it has gotten better as Ive gotten older, it doesn’t fully go away, its more of an internal fight for freedom from the images in my head. So as the quest for inner peace continues into this 32nd year of my life  I guess that I can be thankful that I have grown away from the five rules of my 20’s and gone into different rules for my 30’s, much less restrictive, they are healthier, and contain food!

  1. eat clean (no alcohol, sweets, bread, or pasta)
  2. exercise everyday

I don’t emulate model behavior anymore, and can see that I have improved. its important to see growth and to remind yourself that while maybe it will be a struggle for your whole life, it gets easier…it all gets easier, and maybe give yourself a break.



Let us eat cake

I am not a fan of deprivation. I do believe we are creatures of habit though, and once you are in the habit of eating clean and healthy, the “bad” foods are just not appetizing. That being said, it was recently my husbands birthday. I don’t eat cake…I generally don’t eat sweets…maybe a bit of dark chocolate in the middle of a menstrual crisis, but in general I am just not in the habit any longer of indulging in foods that do not benefit me mentally or physically. Now that I have officially cemented my place on my high horse, let me fall off! I decided to make him tiramisu, and had already decided to eat cake with him as a one off, come on he can’t eat his birthday cake alone! I used this recipe I substituted rum extract for rum because for some reason I couldn’t find nips of rum in Skopje (character flaw of this city) and I used Plazma cookies instead of lady fingers. I toyed with the idea of making my own lady fingers and then got my shit together and improvised.

After spilling coffee grinds all over myself and my kitchen (literally shaking them from my hair) I got to work. Tiramisu isnt a tough dish to make, it’s just time consuming because you do it in different stages…and layers….which I did backwards…naturally.

My biggest question coming away from the experience is…exactly what type of container can you successfully make Tiramisu and cut pieces, extract pieces and serve pieces without said tiramisu looking like a blob on your plate?

Below please find picture of my blob…my amazingly glorious blob of yummy coffee, rummy, fluffy goodness that I ate…ok that I LOVED. Deprivation, control, will power, be damned!…tiramisu…worth every bite.


Inspired…Be kind, have less…Inspire more

I am inspired lately by things that have a general theme of “less” and in “kindness.” Less being that of a more self-sustaining life, a way to get through things more organically than having to go shopping every day. A way of using what I have and growing what I need. I’m not talking off the grid by any means, or the non-deodorant wearing type of “less,” just a healthier, more environment friendly self-satisfying less. I’m googeling more and more about composts and rain water collection than I am about fashion and celebrity culture. I like this shift and I’m starting to inspire myself to make a real change, the real change is the ultimate shift though…which leads me to kindness. Full disclosure I have never thought of myself as a particularly “kind” person. The kindness I see in myself is reserved for animals and a very short list of people. Yet lately I’m wondering how to expand on this kindness and put myself on a kinder more gentle path. I have found and been inspired in the last few days by Jennifer Pastiloff’s blog and ideals in she’s all about women and empowerment and kindness through yoga and swearing and honestly just a lot of positivity and love from what I can see so far. I have been drawn to her brand because it’s not a kindness that is about Zen life and quietly thanking the trees, and being walked all over, it’s about swearing and yelling and listening. It’s more my style.

What I am ultimately inspired by is women who put their shit out there, are unashamed to say how they feel and inspire others to follow suit.

As I have gotten older I have calmed down a lot, I’m not angry, I’m not trying to impress and I’m not looking for anything that I don’t have. Therefore I believe it is time for me to stop following the rules with a corporate soul sucking job that I hate, and make a real inspiring change.

Here it begins, the start of my quest for happiness, stillness and calm within myself. I will give my notice, and develop into the person I am inspired to be through hard work, meditation, yoga, gardening, and all of the challenges that will come along with that. My journey is about finding my inner peace, my way of life that is not against the grain it’s against what the grain has taught me. I’m looking to stop the pressures of media, pressures of family expectations, unrealistic body image, and everything that gives me the anxiety that shortens my breath, the pain in my chest and the extra blinking to fight off tears for simply what has become my day to day life.

I have to be the one who changes, no one will do this for me…but please follow me along for the ride. we may end up inspiring each other.

Health Trick

Cut up one lemon into 8 pieces, place in a small Tupperware container, bring it with you to work and place one lemon wedge in your water bottle each time you fill it up. This way you can count the amount of water you drink, know if you need to drink more AND gain the nutritious elements that adding lemon to your water brings.


Maria Sharapova….Oh Come ON!

I am a tennis fan…I am not however a Sharapova fan, this isn’t because of the recent doping scandal that has happened today, its because she screams when she hits and I find her impossible to watch. Its a tie for me between the screaming and the stupid superstitions she does between each and EVERY point. Nonetheless i have to be honest i cracked a half smile when the news was reported this morning regarding her taking a recently banned substance.

I feel bad about this. I don’t want to smile at others misfortunes…but then again, she took the substance…its not like she has an injury and I’m smiling about it. However knowing she wont be competing in the foreseeable future makes my tennis watching more enjoyable, now if only they could catch Nadal my dreams would be complete (get your hand out of your ass and stop putting invisible hair behind your ears).

I read a few articles about the drug, saying its popular in Russia (red flag duh) and eastern Europe, that its useful for heart problems and something else. Whatever Im not a doctor and to be honest even if it was for her “family diabetes” as she says which honestly whoever told her to say that should be fired. Its for more energy and a faster recovery…which equals performance enhancing drugs.

To me all athletes and people in general have an obligation to understand what is going into their bodies. If you’re taking anything other than a multi-vitamin, you should know what you’re swallowing. I hold her 100% responsible. As I hold all of us 100% responsible. We are not randomly drug tested, but the poisons we put into our bodies with the processed foods and hormone enriched everything, maybe we should be.

Sharapova is a lesson learned, as ignorance does NOT mean innocence. we are all ignorant sometimes when eating, and not knowing still shows the same guilty results. With the amount of information available to us now we have NO excuse to be ignorant of chemicals. We need to be good to our bodies, we need to understand what we are doing all the time.

10 Tips that I always do to stay active, in control of my weight, and motivated to push through

  1. Take the stairs at work. While going down isnt always an option because wearing 4 inch heels and heading down 4 flights of stairs is just dangerous, up is ALWAYS an option. I take the stairs every time I go for a coffee, go for lunch etc. 4 – 5 times up 4 flights of stairs is not nothing!
  2. Eat clean – the fact of the matter is that your weight is 70% (if not more) of what actually goes into your body, and only 30% exercise. You can do three a day cardio sessions, but if you’re inhaling hamburgers, ice cream and pasta in-between it just doesn’t matter. When I have setbacks like injuries, I can remain confident that I will not gain weight because I am mindful of what I put into my body.
  3. Remember that “you’re worth good food” you are worth more than fried crappy food, You deserve the good stuff! I only want to put the good stuff in my body, because I don’t deserve to be treated badly. Bad food treats us badly, it messes with our moods, our figures and our confidence. Don’t give food that power, make your own power from healthy foods that make you feel happy, energetic and strong.
  4. Have yummy yogurts around to aid the sweet cravings! And remember “craving that will last 30 minutes OR the body you’ve wanted your whole life”
  5. Make smoothies…because they’re awesome.
  6. Im not shy about saying “no” when someone offers me food…if I don’t want it, I’m not taking it, no explanation necessary. Be authentic about what YOU want, and don’t feel bad about not accepting something. You will feel better in the long run for not ruining your diet by accepting a chocolate cookie because Suzie made them. Suzie is clearly trying to make you fat.
  7. Get inspiration from Pinterest such as quotes, recipe ideas and pictures of really good looking people…sounds nuts but pretty people motivate me…do whatever works for you!
  8. Never buy chips, or any easy snack. Cookies, chips and crackers are the easiest thing to grab and chow down on, especially WHILE you’re making yourself a healthy meal. Save yourself the defeat and DO NOT even buy them, at least not until you’re well into your diet and have total self-control (which to be honest may never happen).
  9. Listen to music that makes you want to move, and be sexy. Put on some sort of pop music all about sex and dance and sing in the mirror to feel like the pop star you really are. This generally motivates me to stay off the carbs cause well…lets face it I don’t think Taylor Swift eats bread.
  10. I try very hard never to be starving! I try to always carry fruit with me, when hunger strikes I grab a piece of fruit. If I know that I’m getting hungry now and wont have dinner for over an hour, ill eat a piece of fruit. Hunger is the ultimate enemy, if you’re not hungry you won’t over eat or lunge at unhealthy foods. I promise an apple, orange or banana is NOT going to ruin your appetite for your dinner. Eat fruit, stay full and be kind to yourself.

Energy Balls!


These are amazing! And the actual result comes out just like the picture (hardly ever happens to me). I am so proud to have made these. I like a good granola bar, and like so many others I am from the school that if it says “granola” its healthy and good…and then by chance the other day as I was eating a tiny “healthy” granola bar, I randomly looked at the ingredients, I was SHOCKED that the ingredients took up the entire back side of the wrapper. This to me is unacceptable. As I grow and learn about food and what food I want to put into my body, I’m not talking total vegan with moon sprinkles that cost $100 per vile or “I only eat fruits that have fallen from the tree cause picking is murder! Type of choice, but good, healthy non altered food. I’m just more aware now and am excited and greatful honestly when I make something that adds to me and my families health. In the end I HIGHLY recommend this recipe, and I garuntee you will love it, I would also recommend doubling your recipe, these will go fast!!

try to make them, heres the link to gimmesomeoven, one of my go-to recipe spots!