Sometimes people are just people. We build certain people up to be more than that, to be better, and then inevitably the result is disappointment, as they are just people. They are living, breathing imperfect beings who cannot stick to the impossible standards we place on them. I unfortunately found out last night that my guru, my beloved massage therapist, energy reading guru is just that, an imperfect woman who disappointed me deeply. Through the eight months I have been going to her, I have felt peaceful with her. Shes a positive loving woman who has a relationship with god (which I do not) and who generally has great perspective…until yesterday. Yesterday I believe she was aiming to give me a positive perspective on my job which I currently hold, which I dislike, which I desperately want to leave. Generally I do not like sharing much of my “plan” with people because the overwhelming majority is negative Nancy “naysayers”…I did not expect her to be one of them, someone to say “you have a job that pays well, there are tons of gyms everywhere, it will be so expensive to start, you need to keep your job, why risk that… blah blah blah.” This is the same person who tells me to do “everything with love” I guess this means everything except if I make money…this is literally the only person who I wouldn’t expect to say “choose money” over HAPPINESS?!
Immediately I became silent, offering her nothing more, and answering everything with one word answers. I know that when I shut down it gets awkward for people, and they don’t know what to do with it, but this is how I react, this is me. Naturally I wanted to get the hell out of there, but being naked on a table and wanting to “storm out” isn’t necessarily the easiest thing…plus the matter of payment and what not. I laid there fuming, and disappointed and trying to work out in my head if I would go back. I left there with more anxiety than I have had in weeks.
I woke up with the same anxiety. As I was driving to meet my carpool I was anxious about my day, about going to work, about it all. I was feeling trapped and suffocated…and then I thought “when I get home I will do hot yoga” Immediately I felt a little bit of relief. I thought about how I would call my husband to warm up the room when I leave work, that I will sweat and concentrate on the movements and I would release this feeling. Its now lunch time and I am still excited to do hot yoga at home on a youtube video…I hope this works, NO I will make this work. People who get things done don’t hope, they do.
The key to working out is knowing the release it will bring. Knowing you will feel calmer, better, less anxious, happy that you completed it…working out is all about the process and the results that come physically yes but don’t count the mental aspects of exercise short. Your goals, whatever they may be, when reached are really just a stepping stone to mental and physical wellbeing.
I still am undecided about whether or not I will return to get another massage, I will sweat and stretch and try to calm my anxiety before making any decisions.