Self-Help…yes please help!

I read self-help books. Generally I keep this a secret, no one really needs to know that I’m reading “miracle morning” or “Kiss that Frog!” I find it embarrassing that I read these books. I’m not sure why, but I’m shy about it, and blush if someone takes my kindle to look around (ok fine it’s the erotica I find embarrassing). I think I like to have a façade that I have it all together, and I just was made perfect this way (if one day I ever actually have it together, it will literally be a miracle), but in my head I believe I project this to the world. There are things about myself that I really don’t like. I’m not sure if self-help books will ever change them, or make me more aware, or if I can just mentally be like “I’m Zen cause I read the headspace book, so fuck off.” The point of the books is the willingness to try. I always want to be borderline perfect. I want to be loved by everyone, even though I dislike the majority of the people I meet. I want to be sweet and kind, even though my nature is sarcastic and sometimes abrasive. I want to be patient and relaxed, even though I want everything done right now, and see black spots when people challenge me.

So far from the self-help books I have learned that

  1. If you get up earlier you can accomplish way more…which has led to massive anxiety of still not being able to accomplish everything even though I get up at 4:45am…nice.
  2. I have learned to manage my time…which has led to micro managing hourly time schedules to increase productivity during free time…which has led to massive anxiety if hours overlap…and then I’m screwed…nice
  3. I have learned that 10 minutes of mindfulness and learning to quiet the voices inside of my head will lead to greater calm and focus….which has led to my inner voices screaming at me saying “WHY CANT YOU STOP THE VOICES?!?!? BE CALM FOR FUCKS SAKE!” … which has led to me feeling stupid for wasting 10 minutes when I could have been being productive doing something else…nice
  4. I have learned that “your diet is like your bank account” so if you over eat you need to under eat the next meal…which has led to a diet consisting of salads and cereal bars because I find that I’m better at saving calories than money. So instead of stashing cash, I save and don’t ruin my account on a cake splurge at a birthday party…nice (I may have really missed the point of the bank account trick)
  5. I have learned that Mantras and visualization are keys to accomplishing tasks and ultimate goals. This I believe…but can’t find a damn mantra to repeat! Which gives me massive anxiety and pressure that I’m not creative enough to come up with a 3 word phrase to repeat in my head to stay on track…FML comes to mind.

Nonetheless I love these books, I adapt the mindset for at least a month or two, slip back slowly into old habits and then pick up a new one and start on another track. It may be healthy, or it may not be…either way I do it, I am now owning it and I am currently reading “you are a badass” (duh like I didn’t know that).

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